Loser’s List 2001

Well, it’s a new year, and since everyone else is recapping all the events of the past I thought I’d join in the fun. However, since mercilessly defaming stupid people is one of the unwritten goals of this site, I’ve decided to make a list of some of the year’s biggest losers. Here, in no particular order, are some of the people, places, and events that should be left back in 2001. I’m proud to present:

2001: A Stupidity Odyssey

  • Osama bin Laden: You sure showed the US, didn’t you? Until we started dropping the bombs, your army surrendered like the French, and you’re forced to run like a little pansy. We’ve got a daisy cutter with your name on it.
  • John Walker: Join the Taliban, see the world they said. I have a feeling that the only thing you’ll be seeing is the needle for your lethal injection soon.
  • Saddam Hussein: You’re next on Donald Rumsfeld’s list of daisy cutter recipients. I’d be in the bunker with the .45 if I were you.
  • Yassir Arafat: This is just a shitty year to be a terrorist, isn’t it? It’s also a shitty year for someone who looks the other way while terrorists operate in your home country. Sharon’s right: you’re irrelevant.
  • Noam Chomsky: While you were predicting a "silent genocide" the US was saving millions of Afghan lives. We always knew you were a charlatan, and now you’ve proven us right. Go back to lingustics.
  • The Pacifist Movement: Anyone with the sheer gall and stupidity to say that attacking Afghanistan would lead to more terror and wouldn’t solve a thing clearly doesn’t get it. As Afghanistan celebrates their freedom, the pacifists should take a good look at why military action is necessary.
  • The Kyoto Treaty: When even your home country drops you, you know it’s time to throw in the towel.
  • The 1972 ABM Treaty: Let’s face it, the ’72 treaty was as stuck in the 70’s as K-Tel records. Bush was right to throw you out the window.
  • Al Gore: We counted, you lost again. Lose the beard too.
  • The New York Times: You used to be the nation’s newspaper of record, now your op-ed column is a joke and your reporting is op-ed. Viva la Washington Post.
  • Baseball Contraction: Bud Selig – you’re a slimeball. Let’s face it, the Twins are a far better team than the Brewers, and you’re just doing this to line your own pockets.
  • The Airlines: We’d cut you some slack after Sept. 11, but let’s face it, your service stinks, your security has more holes than Swiss Cheese, and you’re bleeding money like an Ebola patient. How about some better service before your next bailout?
  • Enron: You were one of the biggest oil companies on the planet, now you’re toast. Something stinks in Texas…
  • Molly Ivans: You were boorish and partisan before, but you’re even more so now. Give up the Bush-is-an-idiot line and actually start making sense.
  • Multiculturalism: I’m sure if we just "understood" the Taliban we’d see that they’re not so bad, right? Screw it, let’s bomb the bastards to hell and say good riddance.
  • CNN: You get Paula Zahn. Fox gets Greta Van Susteran. I’d say that’s not a good trade. Plus Bill O’Reilly has stolen the thunder from Larry King. Not even Andrea Thompson doing Headline News in the nude can save you now.
  • Geraldo Rivera: Hey, Geraldo, now that you’re at FNC, I heard that Osama had a mysterious vault in Kabul? How about opening it in primetime?