Giving Them What They Want

Chances are, I won’t be watching the Oscars™®©SMPCMCIAEsq. this evening as the current crop of nominated movies were seen by about 12 people outside the Academy™,FBI. Apparently this year, gay cowboys are in, along with diatribes against evil oil companies, and once again, Joe McCarthy. So, since it’s always been my dream to win an Academy Award®™NASCAR I’ve decided that my next brilliant independent film will combine all these elements into a motion picture that will have the members of the Academy©™DDS needing a change of $900 jeans that came from a garage sale Fred Segal.

Without further adieu, I present to you the humble reader, an excerpt from the hit of the 2007 Oscars®™E=Mc^2Goodnight from Brokeback Mountain, Syria:


The court of the rich SHEIK YERBOUTI. Our hero, the morally conflicted State Department
diplomat P. ENNIS BAKER enters, inexplicably wearing  a sequined cowboy hat.

                   A-salaam aleikum, y'all.

                   What do you want, you evil oil-stealing
                   Western imperialist?

                   I'm here to spread democracy and make
                   tons of money for the evil American war
                   machine, which is the real cause of
                   terrorism, not the horrendously xeno-
                   phobic, mysogenistic, and intolerant
                   political culture of this here region,

The Sheik considers this..

                   You truly have the wit of a Truman Capote,
                   my morally conflicted American friend. It is
                   too bad that you have been blackmailed as
                   a Communist by none other than...
                           (dramatic sting)
                   SENATOR JOSEPH MCCARTHY!
                           (pause, another dramatic sting)
                   Guards! Seize him!

                   Someone help me! Superman! Edward R.
                   Murrow! Charlize Theron in makeup that
                   makes her unattractive yet still strangely


We find ourselves in a dank prison cell. Baker is sitting with another PRISONER,
who is also inexplicably wearing a rhinestone-studded cowboy hat.

                   Who are you?

                   Shalom, y'all. I'm Avner Twist, a Montana
                   cattle rancher who was forced to leave
                   his home and resettle in Israel where I
                   became a morally conflicted Mossad agent
                   who realized that killing terrorists makes
                   us no better than killing little children.

                   Wow, all this moral turmoil makes me...

                            (completing his sentence)
                    ...surge with uncontrollable homoerotic

We start hearing SAXOPHONE MUSIC interspersed with BANJOS in the
background as the two start removing articles of clothing...

Personally, I think this one’s gonna be a huge winner. Unless Valley of the Wolves does as well as I think it will…

4 thoughts on “Giving Them What They Want

  1. ROTFLMFAO… you’ve really got a gift for satire sometimes. 🙂

    I’ve only seen one of the nominees this year, Munich, and while I’d say it deserves an award, I know it doesn’t have a prayer against Bareback Mounting… and Walk the Line got screwed.

  2. I watched the Academy Awards, and they actually turned out to be very entertaining- and suprising- this year.

    But, why, oh why, did CRASH get best picture? Crash! Not only did nobody see that movie, from what I’ve heard, it wasn’t even very good… at least Bareback grossed $70 million, and Munich was a good film by a great director… but Crash?

    Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Reese Witherspoon both deserved their awards, and neither seemed prepared to expect that they were going to win; both seemed suprised and flustered as they accepted their oscar… especially Reese.

    The other screw-of-the-night was in the animation category; Corpse Bride deserved the award- Wallace and Grommit got it.

    All the presenters came onto stage absolutely wasted; whatever they were on, I want some. Unless it was simply the after-effects of years of Scientology auditing…

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