How About "Wipe Your Ass With This!"?

Procter and Gamble are launching a new kind of pre-moistened toilet paper. Hooray. Said one P&G spokesperson, "This subject of moist cleaning is not one that is easy to talk about…" Another juicy nugget (no double entendre meant…) Both companies site data showing that 60 percent of U.S. consumers have at some point made their own form of the product, moistening a sheet of regular toilet paper or putting together some combination of toilet paper and wet wipe. Twenty-five percent are regular users, they say.

Clearly this is a national crisis that requires immediate federal intervention. We need to tell people to just say no to moistened toilet paper. This kind of addictive behavior must be stopped before it is too late and we have a nation of wet-TP addicts clogging our judicial and health infrastructure. Just remember, talk to your kids about ass-wiping before someone else does.