Since everyone else and Al Gore is doing it, it’s time that this humble site went totally carbon-neutral. Instead of polluting the air with carbon dioxide, this site will “offset” its carbon emissions by reducing the amount of CO2 emitted elsewhere.
However, there’s a problem. I’d buy “carbon credits” but as a cash-strapped law student those are a bit too pricey—and it’s not like all you schmucks are racing to click on the ads. So that’s pretty much out.
I could take mass transit, but I’d have to drive to get to the light rail, and whenever I take a bus I end up stuck between the window and a 400lbs curry enthusiast with spastic colon. So that’s a non-starter.
I thought about removing some other vehicles from the road, but unfortunately it was simply too expensive to mount a 50cal machine gun to my car, and apparently the police and the Department of Homeland Security frown on such things. (Spoil sports!)
On the good side, this site doesn’t produce that much carbon—so all it would take to offset its carbon emissions would be a small reduction in CO2.
That’s when it hit me.
Every time we take a breath we emit a small amount of CO2 into the atmosphere. So all I need to do is prevent some of that CO2 from being emitted and this site can be 100% carbon neutral!
So here’s what I’m asking: all you have to do is stop breathing for a brief period of time. It doesn’t have to be all that long—no more than five to eight minutes per person. That will be enough to offset the CO2 emissions from this site for at least a year.
It’s not asking a whole lot—just a minor chance of severe brain damage, and for some of you it would be difficult to tell. If you find it difficult to hold your breath for that long I’ve been told by some friends in New York State government that for a nominal fee someone may be hired to help you.
Together, we can make this site carbon neutral, and help prevent catastrophic global warming.