Making This Site Carbon-Neutral

Since everyone else and Al Gore is doing it, it’s time that this humble site went totally carbon-neutral. Instead of polluting the air with carbon dioxide, this site will “offset” its carbon emissions by reducing the amount of CO2 emitted elsewhere.

However, there’s a problem. I’d buy “carbon credits” but as a cash-strapped law student those are a bit too pricey—and it’s not like all you schmucks are racing to click on the ads. So that’s pretty much out.

I could take mass transit, but I’d have to drive to get to the light rail, and whenever I take a bus I end up stuck between the window and a 400lbs curry enthusiast with spastic colon. So that’s a non-starter.

I thought about removing some other vehicles from the road, but unfortunately it was simply too expensive to mount a 50cal machine gun to my car, and apparently the police and the Department of Homeland Security frown on such things. (Spoil sports!)

On the good side, this site doesn’t produce that much carbon—so all it would take to offset its carbon emissions would be a small reduction in CO2.

That’s when it hit me.

Every time we take a breath we emit a small amount of CO2 into the atmosphere. So all I need to do is prevent some of that CO2 from being emitted and this site can be 100% carbon neutral!

So here’s what I’m asking: all you have to do is stop breathing for a brief period of time. It doesn’t have to be all that long—no more than five to eight minutes per person. That will be enough to offset the CO2 emissions from this site for at least a year.

It’s not asking a whole lot—just a minor chance of severe brain damage, and for some of you it would be difficult to tell. If you find it difficult to hold your breath for that long I’ve been told by some friends in New York State government that for a nominal fee someone may be hired to help you.

Together, we can make this site carbon neutral, and help prevent catastrophic global warming.

Capitalist Running Dogs To Boycott Olympic Opening Ceremony!

Imperialist Speaker Nancy Pelosi has opened the idea of having Premier George W. Bush boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in Beijing. It appears as though the imperialists just can’t stand the idea of a glorious Communist nation being treated as an equal! Said the Capitalist propagaNda Network:

“I think boycotting the opening ceremony, which really gives respect to the Chinese government, is something that should be kept on the table,” Pelosi told “Good Morning America” co-anchor Robin Roberts in an interview to air Tuesday morning, according to the ABC News Web site. “I think the president might want to rethink this later, depending on what other heads of state do.”

Of course we should give respect to the Chinese government! I mean really, what business is it of ours if they decide to show a bunch of peasants who’s boss?! As old Chinese saying goes, sometimes to make an omelette you have to shoot a few dozen unarmed Tibetans in the head.

Of course the US should not join those other cowards in refusing to pay homage to the power of Communism… I mean the Olympic spirit. If Germany wants to stay home, let them. Ever since they stopped giving their athletes horse steroids the Olympics haven’t been quite the same anyway…

A World Premier Podcast

Since everyone else is doing it, from the Sultan of Brunei to the scum of the Earth, I figure I might as well get on the whole “podcast” bandwagon. But let’s face it, plain old podcasts are boring. Who wants to hear about some acne-faced loser discussing which Star Trek captain would win in a fight. (It’s Kirk, by the way, DUH!) No, I wanted to do something completely different, something no one had ever done before…

And that’s when it hit me. Why not do a podcast in American Sign Language? Nobody has ever done anything like it!

So, I managed to blackmail persuade a few guests to join me for the first-ever Jay Sign Language Podcast! In this edition, noted blogger Wonkette recounts an incredibly salacious story of sex and a prominent Washington politician that involves using a rubber chicken in a way you’ve never thought possible! Later on, Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds shares the secret to blogging success and I even manage to get Kos to admit his secret infatuation with Ann Coulter. You won’t believe the incredibly shocking revelations contained in this podcast!

Click here to download this world-exclusive podcast!

Impeach Bush

It is clear that the war in Iraq is an absolute failure, the economy is in shambles, millions of people are unemployed, and Michael Moore and other prominent progressive activists have been taken away by Chimpy McHitlerBurton’s evil fascist police state and sent to forced labor camps where they are made to smash Dixie Chicks albums 18 hours per day. As Commander Chimpy has virtually suspended habeas corpus, held thousands without trial, and also personally killed the Lindbergh Baby, this conservative has had enough.

Sen. Feingold is wrong. We must not just censure the Commander-In-Chimp, we need to impeach him. Not only that, but he must be publicly de-pantsed and spanked on the National Mall. It is the only way to restore honor and dignity to the country.

Bush lied, people died. We can’t have another war for oil. It’s time to take the theocratic Halliburton warmongering fascist wingnuts out of Washington. We must shut down Fox News and all other propaganda outlets to protect freedom of speech. We must pull out of Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iowa. It is time to create a Department of Peace with Dennis Kucinich as the Minister of Peace and put Rumsfeld on trial for crimes against humanity. It is the only way.

We must create a more progressive society in which everyone, including men, has the inalienable right to abortion. Gay marriage must not only be legalized – it must be mandatory. We should also legalize pot, but make smoking illegal within 1 AU of a school, hospital, or cow. Meat is murder, and eggs are rape. Milk is sexual harrassment. Caviar is OK, because that’s sort of like a fishy abortion.

We must support free speech, which is why any derogatory images of Muhammad must be banned. We need to be more tolerant of others. Women have the right to be forced to remain in the home without a male escort if they so choose. It’s just a different cultural perspective – so long as you’re not white, who are we to judge if you get your jollies on executing harlots in a public stadium?

It’s time we cut back on pollution by commuting in a more eco-friendly way. Horses don’t produce greenhouse gasses unless they’ve been eating Taco Bell, which should be banned anyway for making people fat. Yes, having the streets full of horseshit may be unpleasant at first, but once the rampant cholera thins out our numbers a bit it won’t be so bad. It’s all about saving the environment, you know. We should treat Mother Earth with respect – after all, we don’t really own the land, we just borrow it from our children. On second thought, I don’t have children, so keep your little brats’ grubby hands off my land.

It’s time for a fairer tax structure. A top marginal tax rate of 100% will dramatically increase government revenue. At least for the first year. But fortunately, there are always rich people to soak if you look hard enough.

Our social problems can’t be fixed through racist terms like “responsibility” and “hard work.” Only the state can cure poverty.

But none of this can happen if we don’t fix the reason why Iraq is a mess, we have 30% unemployment in the worst economy since Diocletion, and gangs of Bible-thumpers roam the street stoning women to death for not being pregnant and in the kitchen. That means impeaching Bushitler the warmonger. It’s time to start now – let us all rise up against the plutocrats and fight the power!

More Political Oppression In The EU

A group of EU MPs were assaulted in the EU Parliament for expressing their opposition to the new EU Constitution:

The 10 UKIP members, who voted against ratification, held up placards, some of which said the charter was “the death of Europe.”

Attempting to bring order to the chamber, Borrell told the protesting MEPs to put their signs away, or “they will be put away for you.”

“The speaker’s job is to protect the rights of backbenchers,” UKIP leader Roger Knapman Knapman said in the chamber, adding that Borrell was being unfair to his group.

Knapman said last month Borrell allowed a group of MEPs to hold up similar signs which said yes to Turkey’s accession to the bloc.

“He allowed a precedent, so why were we not permitted this very day to hold up things saying say no?” Knapman said.

Parliament Vice-President Janusz Onyszkiewicz said the EU assembly was looking into the matter.

“You will be given answer in due course and in due time, not at this moment,” he said.

“Due course and due time” meaning essentially when hell freezes over — the EU is accountable to no one, and doesn’t have to answer for a thing it does. The concept of a closer European union is a sound one, but the way it has been implemented is exceptionally anti-democratic. The EU’s immense lack of accountability and transparency combined with its ever-expanding power is almost certain to be to the detriment of Europe. Worse of all, it’s a recipe for totalitarianism.

As the saying goes, history repeats itself, first time as tragedy, second time as farce. Sadly, I’m not sure whether the rise of the unaccountable EUrocrat nomenklatura is more of a tragedy or more of a farce.

The Bad News From Iraq

While the news from the Shi’a south has shown a positive view of the situation in Iraq, the news from the Sunni Triangle is bleak.

Belmont Club notes that we’ve failed to keep many foreign fighters from escaping Fallujah:

Interestingly enough, the unit being deployed in the Monitor story is the maligned Iraqi Civil Defense Corps, not the Fallujah Brigade, whose position on the embankment now makes any attack against the northwestern ‘Golan’ neighborhood very unlikely, since any assault would have go through the ICDC lines. The impression conveyed is that the cordon around ‘Golan’ is now very loose. The Washington Times reports that any senior foreign fighters have probably escaped the net already although the Monitor and the Mitchell Prothero Associated Press report (Behind Enemy Lines) of yesterday suggests that there are still plenty of “foreign fighters” left.

Even so, it’s clear that any potential killbox in Fallujah has failed to be truly effective. The terrorists running the show (such as Abu Musab al-Zarqawi) have likely escaped. The ones who are left are likely cannon fodder.

We needed to take this terrorists out. They are the ones leading the attacks against American troops. They are the ones who are leading this insurrection in the Sunni Triangle. And now they’re free to plan their next set of attacks.

Much of the blame lies not on the soldiers, but on the unwillingness of the upper echelons to treat this situation seriously enough. We wanted to pussyfoot around out of fear of offending the Iraqi people. The problem with this logic is that we’ll face more problems from the lack of security in Iraq than we would have from going into the “Golan” cordon and crushing the terrorists holed up there.

We can’t fight this war in a way that preserves the enemy’s biggest advantage. Our enemy doesn’t care about the rules of war or offending anyone’s sensibilities. They want us to fail in Iraq, and they’ll do whatever they can to disrupt any chance for a peaceful Iraq.

We haven’t lost in Iraq, not by a longshot. However, we’ve just made the job much harder. Taking out a group of Marines is much harder than a lightly-defended convoy. We’ve ceded the high ground to the enemy in this case, and we can’t afford to do that if we want to win this war.