The European Union, in order to promote a greater tolerance for people of the Muslim faith is banning the use of Pig Latin across the EU. Said EU representative Björn Toulouse:

As many of you may know, the pig is considered an unclean animal to Muslims. Therefore, following the ban of a statue of a pig in the UK, we’ve decided that in the interest in multicultaral harmony we’ve decided to also ban the use of pig latin across the European Union.

The decision was hailed by various Muslim groups as a decision that would help plunge Europe into shari’a make Europe a more tolerant place. However, not everyone is happy with the decision. The head of the London branch of the Ocietysay of Igpay Atinlay issued this formal statement of protest:

Isthay ecisionday ybay ethay EUWAY isway absolutelyway orrendoushay. Inway away imetay enwhay ourway eciouspray
inguisticlay iversityday isway alreadyway underway attackway
ybay ontinuouslycay encroachingway ulturalcay egemonyhay, ethay
actionsway ofway ethay EUWAY areway entirelyway
ounterproductivecay andway angerousday.

The ban is expected to go into effect beginning the first of July and penalties range from a fine of several Euros to being tied to a chair and forced to listen to speeches by former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien – a move that has caused several human rights organizations to protest, citing cruel and unusual punishment in violation of the Geneva Convention.

The latest poll of the Amerikkkan electorate from the pristigious Department of Political Scientist at Miskatonic University in Arkham, MA shows that the 2004 Presidential race has just been turned on its head.

The evil imperalistic pig-dog Bush has pulled ahead with a slight lead against the slightly less evil pig-dog Kerry, but the real surprise is that upstart non-Euclidian-party challenger Cthulhu has pulled ahead of both Kerry and Bush. The current results of the race look something like this:

* George W. Bush (Evil capitalist pig-dog Republican) – 1.51%
* John F. Kerry (Quasi-evil capitalist pig-dog Democrat) – 1.49%
* Cthulhu (Grand Old Ones Party) – 97%

Cthulh campaign spokesman Lavinia Whateley stated that the sudden appearance of the long-sleeping Elder God on the political scene was due to several factors:

America wants real change in politics. We’re sick of voting for the lesser of two evils – what America needs is a new, more muti-dimensional approach to politics. Cthulhu is not only a candidate who is serious on national defense issues like terrorism, but also supports the fiscally responsible approach of slowly driving Congress mad before tearing them apart limb from limb and shoveling their hideously deformed remains into his gaping maw. Iä Iä Cthulhu ftagn!

Spokesmen for the Bush and Kerry campaigns refused to comment on the new Cthulhu challange, but already the Elder God has gathered support in key voting blocs. Noted artist Richard Upton Pickman has already come out in support of Cthulhu’s campaign:

From the lakes of Minnesota to the mind-shattering Plateau of Leng, it’s clear that this dimension needs a change – that’s why I’m voting for Cthulhu in 2004!

Some capitalist pig dog, perhaps obsessed with a recent piece of capitalist propaganda horror movie, absconded with the dancing badgers!

And yet another one… zombies, now robots! Now, where are my dancing Stalins?!

Laurence Simon has become a Hero of the Revolution by being the first to purchase an “Annoy France” coffee mug from the evil capitalists at Cafe Press! I will be rolling out some new products for that store soon and launching it officially – however, once the capitalist apparatus of the state has withered away everyone will get one according to their needs. (Except for the kulaks, enemies of the Revolution, and anyone who isn’t a member of the nomenklatura of course…)

After reading the latest counterrevolutionary Bleatings of one James Lileks, it is clear that he must be sent for vigorous torturepeaceful reeducation at once! For instance, he writes that:

We stopped pretending we would ratify Kyoto. We only spent $15 billion on AIDS in Africa. We did not take dictation from Paris. If we had done these things, it would minimize the world’s anger.

Is the world angry at Russia, which spends nothing on AIDS and rebuffed Kyoto? Is the world angry at China, which got a pass on Kyoto and spends nothing on AIDS for other countries?

Is the world angry at North Korea for killings its people? Angry at Iran for smothering that vibrant nation with corrupt and thuggish mullocracy? Angry at Syria for occupying Lebanon? Angry at Saudi Arabia for its denial of women’s rights? Angry at Russia for corrupt elections? Is the world angry at China for threatening Taiwan, or angry at France for joining the Chinese in joint military exercises that threatened the island on the eve of an election? Is the world angry at Zimbabwe for stealing land and starving people? Is the world angry at Pakistan for selling nuclear secrets? Is the world angry at Libya for having an NBC program?

Is the world angry at the thugs of Fallujah?

Is the world angry at anyone besides America and Israel?

Well, Comrade, the answer is nyet! Everyone knows that all evil flows from the Great Satans of Amerikkka and Israel, and those people who blow up innocent civilians evil warmongers are just misunderstood. You see, comrades we all know that al-Qaeda just wants the evil imperialist warmonger neocon Bush to sign Kyoto and they would go away. The Iraqi resistance – all they want is for the reconstruction of Iraq to include France be internationalized and they’ll lay down their arms and join everyone in singing the Internationale and drinking copious amounts of vodka! They’re not evil, they’re just misunderstood.

Yet the imperialistic evil war-criminal Bush and his sinister cabal of evil Jews neo-conservatives want nothing more than perpetual war for oil. It’s perfectly fine to let Saddam Hussein kill his own people while you take his oil – but removing one of our best clients an evil dictator is just crossing the line, da?

I mean c’mon, Saddam Hussein wasn’t hurting anyone other than millions of Shi’ites, Kurds, Turkomens, Chaldean Christians, and Marsh Arabs! Who cares about them so long as a good Socialist is in office, right comrades?

Besides, as Comrade Billmon has already noted, terrorism is exactly what the evil capitalist pig-dogs of Amerikka deserve for lynching people in 1920! After all, it’s perfectly acceptable to kill people for actions their grandfathers or someone that had absolutely no relation to them did 84 years ago, so long as those people are Israelis are Americans. It’s only fair!

Just a note comrades, whatever you do, do not support the capitalists laughing at the revolution…

Zdrastveetsye tovarisch! You may have noticed some slight changes to the site. The explanation is simple. After years of being a conservative Republican I’ve had a conversion experience involving a fall down a flight of stairs, a running microwave, and a vat of airplane glue. I’ve now dedicated my life, and this site, in the pursuit of the New World Order of the Glorious Communist Revolution!

That’s right, throw off your false consciousness and the shackles of bourgeoisie and embrace revolution comrades! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

(For those of you wondering if I’ve gone completely insane, note what date it is…)