April Fools

Making This Site Carbon-Neutral

Since everyone else and Al Gore is doing it, it’s time that this humble site went totally carbon-neutral. Instead of polluting the air with carbon dioxide, this site will “offset” its carbon emissions by reducing the amount of CO2 emitted elsewhere.

However, there’s a problem. I’d buy “carbon credits” but as a cash-strapped law student those are a bit too pricey—and it’s not like all you schmucks are racing to click on the ads. So that’s pretty much out.

I could take mass transit, but I’d have to drive to get to the light rail, and whenever I take a bus I end up stuck between the window and a 400lbs curry enthusiast with spastic colon. So that’s a non-starter.

I thought about removing some other vehicles from the road, but unfortunately it was simply too expensive to mount a 50cal machine gun to my car, and apparently the police and the Department of Homeland Security frown on such things. (Spoil sports!)

On the good side, this site doesn’t produce that much carbon—so all it would take to offset its carbon emissions would be a small reduction in CO2.

That’s when it hit me.

Every time we take a breath we emit a small amount of CO2 into the atmosphere. So all I need to do is prevent some of that CO2 from being emitted and this site can be 100% carbon neutral!

So here’s what I’m asking: all you have to do is stop breathing for a brief period of time. It doesn’t have to be all that long—no more than five to eight minutes per person. That will be enough to offset the CO2 emissions from this site for at least a year.

It’s not asking a whole lot—just a minor chance of severe brain damage, and for some of you it would be difficult to tell. If you find it difficult to hold your breath for that long I’ve been told by some friends in New York State government that for a nominal fee someone may be hired to help you.

Together, we can make this site carbon neutral, and help prevent catastrophic global warming.

April Fools

Capitalist Running Dogs To Boycott Olympic Opening Ceremony!

Imperialist Speaker Nancy Pelosi has opened the idea of having Premier George W. Bush boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in Beijing. It appears as though the imperialists just can’t stand the idea of a glorious Communist nation being treated as an equal! Said the Capitalist propagaNda Network:

“I think boycotting the opening ceremony, which really gives respect to the Chinese government, is something that should be kept on the table,” Pelosi told “Good Morning America” co-anchor Robin Roberts in an interview to air Tuesday morning, according to the ABC News Web site. “I think the president might want to rethink this later, depending on what other heads of state do.”

Of course we should give respect to the Chinese government! I mean really, what business is it of ours if they decide to show a bunch of peasants who’s boss?! As old Chinese saying goes, sometimes to make an omelette you have to shoot a few dozen unarmed Tibetans in the head.

Of course the US should not join those other cowards in refusing to pay homage to the power of Communism… I mean the Olympic spirit. If Germany wants to stay home, let them. Ever since they stopped giving their athletes horse steroids the Olympics haven’t been quite the same anyway…