Um, Mr. President, I believe the phrase is “choking the chicken“…

In proof that sometimes reality is stranger than fiction, the Vatican has produced a sex guide for Italian Catholics:

The controversial book, It’s A Sin Not To Do It, written by two theologians, promises the reader answers to “everything you wanted to know about sex but the Church (almost) never dared to tell you”.

In their attempt to galvanise the faithful, Roberto Beretta and Elisabetta Broli, who write regularly for the Italian Bishops’ magazine, Avvenire, have written one of the raciest works ever to deal with the Church and sex.

Bullet points on the jacket cover underline the central message: “Sex? God invented it. Original sin? Sex has nothing to do with it. Without sex there is no real marriage.”

“When people think of the Church and sex, they think of prohibitions and taboos,” said Beretta. “But there is a very different and positive side to Church doctrine which needs to be emphasised.”

It’s A Sin Not To Do It?! Are you kidding me? Then again, the original title of Knocking Boots for Jesus was deemed too controversial for publication…

UPDATE: I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell now…

Apparently a recent PrimeTime Live poll finds that Republicans have happier sex lives than Democrats. However, in a measure of who’s doing the most to screw the country, Democrats still win hands down.

It looks like Bush wins in November with 47% to Kerry’s 43%. How they know this already is beyond me, but no doubt we’ll see Oliver Willis blaming it all on Diebold and the Trilateral Commission before long.

Either that or someone did a test story and accidentally hit the “send” button. Remember kids, when playing with the AP wires, you’d best play nice…

UPDATE: The link’s deader than David Caruso’s career, but fortunately Say Anything bagged a screenshot…

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia made a rather inexplicable remark at Harvard recently:

Challenged about his views on sexual morality, Justice Scalia surprised his audience at Harvard University, telling them: “I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.”

I have the feeling that Scalia was being facetious, but now that the concepts of “orgies” and “Antonin Scalia” have become intermingled in my brain I feel the urgent need to find a bottle of whisky and a Makita drill to perform a bit of self-lobotomization. If I come back sounding like Atrios, you know I acidentally cored out the logic center of my brain by mistake…

Even a bear can’t stand cheap beer…

Russian “scientists” are claiming to have found the wreck of an alien spaceship in Siberia near the site of the 1908 Tunguska explosion. The wreck was apparently found next to a 50kg rock and a large collection of empty vodka bottles…

UPDATE: Howard Dean has said that it’s all a right-wing conspiracy to keep people’s minds away from the fact that George W. Bush enjoys eating kittens…

UPDATE: …try to get John Kerry on the line…tell him he’s about to copulate with a creature from outer space. Unless there are billionaire hieresses in outer space, I don’t think we’d need to worry…

After spending the last hour playing Doom3 (which rocks, BTW), the last thing I’d want to see is something like this on Instapundit…

The French nearly surrender to a large housecat.

I’ll start:

So this is where the money I stole from the Iraqi Oil for Food program went!